Parenting 123 (123 Magic, by T. Phelan)
Parenting is hard work! & I will treat a child in a way that I myself would want to be treated.
Parenting is hard work! & I will treat a child in a way that I myself would want to be treated.
START & STOP BEHAVIOUR: Difficulties with your children usually fall into two categories: 1) they are doing something you don't want them to do, and you want them to STOP. 2) they are not doing something you would like them to do, and you want them to START.
THE LITTLE ADULT ASSUMPTION: Phelan believes that parents and teachers make a serious mistake by assuming that children are able to think rationally and reason like adluts. Phelan calls this assumption the 'Little Adult Assumption'. This false assumption either leads to discipline attempts that don't work, or to stormy scenes that make everyone feel bad. But many parents and teachers who believe this assumption rely heavily on words and reasons in disciplining children. When reason and persuasion fails, arguing follows, which then leads to yelling.
THE TWO BIGGEST MISTAKES: TOO MUCH TALKING & TOO MUCH EMOTION.
Too many words and no action or lengthy moral lectures and the child learns to shut you off. Too much emotion and the child hooks you is and is in control or becomes overwhelmned. This is the 'No-Talking and No-Emotion Rules. Remember when you count you just 'count', forget the editorial comments and avoid the 'hooks' your child may set for you.
COMMON QUESTIONS: How long between counts? 3 to 5 seconds, just enough time to allow the child to shape up; for the '20 Minute Rule, start back at '1' after 20 minutes. Does the room have to be a sterile environment? No, the child can go to the room and read, take a nap, play with lego etc. Forbidden things in the room during time outs should include; no phone, no friends, no TV, no computer or Nintendo. Can you ever ignore anything? Yes, but do not ignore in the beginning. In the beginning, when in doubt, count! Don't start the time out until the tantrum is over. Don't let your child hook you in with the 'guilt trip' of pouting, either ignore or count it.
GETTING STARTED: The kickoff conversation might go something like this, "There are times when you are having trouble following the rules and we're going to help you with that. From now on we are going to do something a little different. When we see you doing something you're not supposed to, we'll say, 'That's 1.' That is like a warning and it means you are to stop. If you don't stop, we'll say, 'That's 2.' If you still don't stop, we'll say, 'That's 3, take 5 (or however many minutes for your age).' That means you have to go to your room for a time out or a kind of rest period. When you come out, we don't talk about what happened unless it is really necessary. We forget it and start over. If you are doing a very bad thing to start with, like swearing at us or hitting your sibling, we'll say, 'That 3, take 10 or 15.' That means there are no warnings except that one, and you just go straight to your room. Do you have any questions?" Remember, No Child Will Thank You For This Change!
THREE CONS:.
CON #1; Begging, Bribing , Weeping, and Gnashing Teeth. With Con 1 we tend to give in and our giving in affects our kid's ego. When we give in, we send a message, 'I don't believe you're big enough to handle the consequences.' Remember, only 20% of what we communicate to our children is done with words the other 80% is how our body speaks those words. Make sure both your words and body are saying the same thing. When Con #1 fails, kids go for ...
CON # 2, Anger and Aggression. In Con 2 we hook into and it affects our hearts. Aggression begets more aggression, passivity invites aggression. The power of assertion is that it can dissipate or redirect the force of aggression. When we center our own energy and calm ourselves down, we have the opportunity to either redirect our children's energy or grab onto that energy and give life to their learning.
CON # 3, Sulking. With Con 1, we give in...with Con 2, we hook in...and Con 3 throws us into a Con 1 or Con 2. Don't ignore mocking. Simply don't empower it. The way to not empower mocking is by immediately empowering something else. Not giving in to pleas or bribes, not hooking into anger and not reinforcing a sulk with offers of assistance allows us, as parents, to have positive power in our children's lives. See the testing for what it is and stay neutral, count and follow through.
THE LITTLE ADULT ASSUMPTION: Phelan believes that parents and teachers make a serious mistake by assuming that children are able to think rationally and reason like adluts. Phelan calls this assumption the 'Little Adult Assumption'. This false assumption either leads to discipline attempts that don't work, or to stormy scenes that make everyone feel bad. But many parents and teachers who believe this assumption rely heavily on words and reasons in disciplining children. When reason and persuasion fails, arguing follows, which then leads to yelling.
THE TWO BIGGEST MISTAKES: TOO MUCH TALKING & TOO MUCH EMOTION.
Too many words and no action or lengthy moral lectures and the child learns to shut you off. Too much emotion and the child hooks you is and is in control or becomes overwhelmned. This is the 'No-Talking and No-Emotion Rules. Remember when you count you just 'count', forget the editorial comments and avoid the 'hooks' your child may set for you.
COMMON QUESTIONS: How long between counts? 3 to 5 seconds, just enough time to allow the child to shape up; for the '20 Minute Rule, start back at '1' after 20 minutes. Does the room have to be a sterile environment? No, the child can go to the room and read, take a nap, play with lego etc. Forbidden things in the room during time outs should include; no phone, no friends, no TV, no computer or Nintendo. Can you ever ignore anything? Yes, but do not ignore in the beginning. In the beginning, when in doubt, count! Don't start the time out until the tantrum is over. Don't let your child hook you in with the 'guilt trip' of pouting, either ignore or count it.
GETTING STARTED: The kickoff conversation might go something like this, "There are times when you are having trouble following the rules and we're going to help you with that. From now on we are going to do something a little different. When we see you doing something you're not supposed to, we'll say, 'That's 1.' That is like a warning and it means you are to stop. If you don't stop, we'll say, 'That's 2.' If you still don't stop, we'll say, 'That's 3, take 5 (or however many minutes for your age).' That means you have to go to your room for a time out or a kind of rest period. When you come out, we don't talk about what happened unless it is really necessary. We forget it and start over. If you are doing a very bad thing to start with, like swearing at us or hitting your sibling, we'll say, 'That 3, take 10 or 15.' That means there are no warnings except that one, and you just go straight to your room. Do you have any questions?" Remember, No Child Will Thank You For This Change!
THREE CONS:.
CON #1; Begging, Bribing , Weeping, and Gnashing Teeth. With Con 1 we tend to give in and our giving in affects our kid's ego. When we give in, we send a message, 'I don't believe you're big enough to handle the consequences.' Remember, only 20% of what we communicate to our children is done with words the other 80% is how our body speaks those words. Make sure both your words and body are saying the same thing. When Con #1 fails, kids go for ...
CON # 2, Anger and Aggression. In Con 2 we hook into and it affects our hearts. Aggression begets more aggression, passivity invites aggression. The power of assertion is that it can dissipate or redirect the force of aggression. When we center our own energy and calm ourselves down, we have the opportunity to either redirect our children's energy or grab onto that energy and give life to their learning.
CON # 3, Sulking. With Con 1, we give in...with Con 2, we hook in...and Con 3 throws us into a Con 1 or Con 2. Don't ignore mocking. Simply don't empower it. The way to not empower mocking is by immediately empowering something else. Not giving in to pleas or bribes, not hooking into anger and not reinforcing a sulk with offers of assistance allows us, as parents, to have positive power in our children's lives. See the testing for what it is and stay neutral, count and follow through.
