HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN & LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK
Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
There is a direct connection between how kids feel and how they act.
Given this:
How can we tune into our children’s feelings? and
How is our response different if our child’s feelings make us angry or anxious?
THE LANGUAGE OF EMPATHY:
1. Listen with full attention and a caring attitude.
2. Learn to acknowledge with a word like “oh” or “hum” or “I see.”
3. Give their feelings a name.
4. Grant them wishes in fantasy.
When we urge a child to push a bad feeling away, even if we do it gently and kindly, the child usually gets more up set. Parents don’t usually give a feeling response to a situation because they fear it will get worse if they do. The opposite is usually the case. A child who hears the words for the feelings they are experiencing usually feel comforted and understood because someone has acknowledge their inner experience.
CHILDREN NEED TO HAVE THEIR FEELINGS ACKNOWLEDGED
CHILD: Just because of a few careless mistakes, I only got a seventy!
PARENT: Don’t worry. You’ll do better next time.
INSTEAD OF DISMISSING THE CHILD’S FEELINGS, YOU CAN:
1. IDENTIFY THE CHILD’S FEELINGS.“You sound disappointed. It can be upsetting when you know the answer and lose points for careless mistakes.”
2. ACKNOWLEDGE THE CHILD’S FEELINGS WITH A SOUND OR WORD.“Oh” or “Mmm” or “Uh” or “I see.”
3. GIVE THE CHILD IN FASTASY WHAT YOU CAN’T GIVE HIM IN REALITY.”Wouldn’t it be great if you had a magic pencil that would stop writing if you were about to make a mistake!”
4. ACCEPT THE CHILD’S FEELINGS EVEN AS YOU STOP UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR. “You’re still so angry about that grade, you’re kicking your desk! I can’t allow that. But you can tell me more about what’s upsetting you. Or you can draw it.”
ENGAGING COOPERATION: At Home and in School
ADULT: “Who’s responsible for the mess on the floor?”
INSTEAD OF QUESTIONING AND CRITICIZING, YOU CAN:
1. DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM.“I see wet paint all over the floor.”
2. GIVE INFORMATION.“It’s easier to remove paint before it dries.”
3. OFFER A CHOICE.“You can clean it up with a wet rag or a damp sponge.”
4. SAY IT WITH A WORD OR GESTURE.“The paint!”
5. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU FEEL.“I don’t like seeing the floor splattered with paint.”
6. PUT IT IN WRITING.
Attention all Artists:
Kindly restore floor to original condition
before leaving the room.
Thank you,
The Management
7. BE PLAYFUL (use another VOICE OR ACCENT).
In country-and-western style sing:
Ah see paint thar on the floor,
An’ it’s a sight ah do deplore.
Git out your mop an’ rags galore,
An’ help to do this little chore.
Given this:
How can we tune into our children’s feelings? and
How is our response different if our child’s feelings make us angry or anxious?
THE LANGUAGE OF EMPATHY:
1. Listen with full attention and a caring attitude.
2. Learn to acknowledge with a word like “oh” or “hum” or “I see.”
3. Give their feelings a name.
4. Grant them wishes in fantasy.
When we urge a child to push a bad feeling away, even if we do it gently and kindly, the child usually gets more up set. Parents don’t usually give a feeling response to a situation because they fear it will get worse if they do. The opposite is usually the case. A child who hears the words for the feelings they are experiencing usually feel comforted and understood because someone has acknowledge their inner experience.
CHILDREN NEED TO HAVE THEIR FEELINGS ACKNOWLEDGED
CHILD: Just because of a few careless mistakes, I only got a seventy!
PARENT: Don’t worry. You’ll do better next time.
INSTEAD OF DISMISSING THE CHILD’S FEELINGS, YOU CAN:
1. IDENTIFY THE CHILD’S FEELINGS.“You sound disappointed. It can be upsetting when you know the answer and lose points for careless mistakes.”
2. ACKNOWLEDGE THE CHILD’S FEELINGS WITH A SOUND OR WORD.“Oh” or “Mmm” or “Uh” or “I see.”
3. GIVE THE CHILD IN FASTASY WHAT YOU CAN’T GIVE HIM IN REALITY.”Wouldn’t it be great if you had a magic pencil that would stop writing if you were about to make a mistake!”
4. ACCEPT THE CHILD’S FEELINGS EVEN AS YOU STOP UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR. “You’re still so angry about that grade, you’re kicking your desk! I can’t allow that. But you can tell me more about what’s upsetting you. Or you can draw it.”
ENGAGING COOPERATION: At Home and in School
ADULT: “Who’s responsible for the mess on the floor?”
INSTEAD OF QUESTIONING AND CRITICIZING, YOU CAN:
1. DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM.“I see wet paint all over the floor.”
2. GIVE INFORMATION.“It’s easier to remove paint before it dries.”
3. OFFER A CHOICE.“You can clean it up with a wet rag or a damp sponge.”
4. SAY IT WITH A WORD OR GESTURE.“The paint!”
5. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU FEEL.“I don’t like seeing the floor splattered with paint.”
6. PUT IT IN WRITING.
Attention all Artists:
Kindly restore floor to original condition
before leaving the room.
Thank you,
The Management
7. BE PLAYFUL (use another VOICE OR ACCENT).
In country-and-western style sing:
Ah see paint thar on the floor,
An’ it’s a sight ah do deplore.
Git out your mop an’ rags galore,
An’ help to do this little chore.
