In an article, Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job! Alfie Kohn writes, "Hang out at a playground, visit a school, or show up at a child's birthday party, and there's one phrase you can count on hearing repeatedly: ‘Good job!’ Even tiny infants are praised for smacking their hands together ("Good clapping!"). Many of us blurt out these judgments of our children to the point that it has become almost a verbal tic."
Kohn is certainly not suggesting that we refrain from or questioning the importance of supporting and encouraging our children, our responsibility to love, hug, and help them feel good about their lives and themselves. He does see PRAISE as an entirely different story! He strongly suggests that praise:
Kohn has three suggestions for your consideration:
* Say nothing. Everything positive thing your child does; does not need to be “re-inforced!” Question, to you enjoy being helpful to others? Yes, sometimes it is nice to be thanked, other times it just feels good to be helpful…..don’t always take that away from your child by trying to acknowledge every “nice” thing they do for others. It is not a “FLUKE” that they did it! ….
* Say what you saw. Use simple, evaluation-free statement ("You put your dishes in the dishwasher" or even just "You did it") lets your child that you noticed. The goal is to let them take pride in what they have done. In other situations, a more detailed statement may be helpful. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback - not judgment - about what you noticed: "That is a a huge mountain!" "Wow, you sure used a lot of red in that picture!"
Or if they have done something caring or generous, you could draw their attention to the effect of their action had on the other person. "Look at Mary’s face! She looks more relaxed now that you shared your snack with her" is a completely different statement than using praise. These statements or questions help your child focus on their feeling about their generoursity, not on your feelings about their behavior.
Talk less, ask more. Question can even be more helpful than descriptions. Don’t tell them what part impressed you; ask them what they liked most about the picture, the story, the game! Asking "What was the hardest part of that game?" or "How did you solve that problem?” How did you decide which colour to use there?
Questions like these are more likely to nourish your child interest in the activity.
Now that you have identified the use of praise in your family and read additional details of Kohn's discussion points through the links above, what do you do if you want to change a few of your parenting techniques? The following is an excerpt from Kohn's article:
Try this experiment with your parenting partner: on a random day, mentally tally or gently call to attention the use of "Good Job" with your children. Make it light-hearted by placing an over/under bet. Decide if you will include similar generic praise phrases like "nice" or "sweet" or whatever phrase you may overuse. Involving the children in this game will help them deliver better praise and criticism too. Similar to repeatedly calling a child's name ("Michael!") versus actually giving directions to stop an unwanted behavior ("Walk!"), unspecific praise leaves the child wondering what behavior is being pointed out or just numb to the words.
Kohn is certainly not suggesting that we refrain from or questioning the importance of supporting and encouraging our children, our responsibility to love, hug, and help them feel good about their lives and themselves. He does see PRAISE as an entirely different story! He strongly suggests that praise:
- Manipulating children. Might our praise be more about our convenience and covert control than the emotional needs of our children. How much of our praise reinforces and encourages behaviours that make our lives easier rather than connecting a child to their own learning?
- Creating praise junkies. Does our praise teach kids to rely more on our evaluations about what is “good or bad”; than on their ability to decide based on their own evaluations of the situation
- Stealing a child's pleasure. Might praise separate a child from their own satisfaction and delight in their achievements? In short are we not telling a child how they should feel in the situation
- Losing interest.. Lilian Katz, one of the country’s leading authorities on early childhood education, warns praise may keep a child involved as long as we are watching; however, once attention and praise is withdrawn, many kids won’t touch the activity again.
- Reducing achievement. Researchers have demonstrated that kids who are praised for doing well at a creative task will tend to stumble at the next task – and to make matters even more serious they don’t do as well as children who weren’t praised to begin with.
Kohn has three suggestions for your consideration:
* Say nothing. Everything positive thing your child does; does not need to be “re-inforced!” Question, to you enjoy being helpful to others? Yes, sometimes it is nice to be thanked, other times it just feels good to be helpful…..don’t always take that away from your child by trying to acknowledge every “nice” thing they do for others. It is not a “FLUKE” that they did it! ….
* Say what you saw. Use simple, evaluation-free statement ("You put your dishes in the dishwasher" or even just "You did it") lets your child that you noticed. The goal is to let them take pride in what they have done. In other situations, a more detailed statement may be helpful. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback - not judgment - about what you noticed: "That is a a huge mountain!" "Wow, you sure used a lot of red in that picture!"
Or if they have done something caring or generous, you could draw their attention to the effect of their action had on the other person. "Look at Mary’s face! She looks more relaxed now that you shared your snack with her" is a completely different statement than using praise. These statements or questions help your child focus on their feeling about their generoursity, not on your feelings about their behavior.
Talk less, ask more. Question can even be more helpful than descriptions. Don’t tell them what part impressed you; ask them what they liked most about the picture, the story, the game! Asking "What was the hardest part of that game?" or "How did you solve that problem?” How did you decide which colour to use there?
Questions like these are more likely to nourish your child interest in the activity.
Now that you have identified the use of praise in your family and read additional details of Kohn's discussion points through the links above, what do you do if you want to change a few of your parenting techniques? The following is an excerpt from Kohn's article:
Try this experiment with your parenting partner: on a random day, mentally tally or gently call to attention the use of "Good Job" with your children. Make it light-hearted by placing an over/under bet. Decide if you will include similar generic praise phrases like "nice" or "sweet" or whatever phrase you may overuse. Involving the children in this game will help them deliver better praise and criticism too. Similar to repeatedly calling a child's name ("Michael!") versus actually giving directions to stop an unwanted behavior ("Walk!"), unspecific praise leaves the child wondering what behavior is being pointed out or just numb to the words.
