Parenting 101 Winning at Parenting by B. Coloross
Parenting is hard work! & I will treat a child in a way that I myself would want to be treated.
Parenting is hard work! & I will treat a child in a way that I myself would want to be treated.
Teaching children HOW TO THINK: Our children need to learn how to think...not just what to think. They need to develop a sense of positive personal power; that they are capable to solve problems. The best way to teach the art of decision making is to let children make decisions; guide them through the process without passing judgment, and let them grow through the results of their decisions. As, Alfie Kohn suggests, "Children learn how to make good decisions by making decisions, not by following directions." And Barbara Coloroso asks, “Am I, as a parent, keeping this decision or responsibility for myself because I am afraid to give it to my kids for fear of losing control or because it is a part of my positive power as a wise and caring parent?” Mini-lectures are information the kid already had. What kids need instead of mini-lectures are opportunities to solve problems they have created.
THREE Responses:
TO or BRICKWALL, hierarchy of control, litany of rigid rules, thou shalt nots and don't you dares, use of sarcasm and embarrassment to manipulate and control behaviour, high levels of fear, children learn love is highly conditional.
FOR or JELLYFISH, no recognizable structure or rules, punishment and rewards are arbitrary and inconsistent, many second chances, emotions rule behaviour of parents and children, children learn love is highly conditional.
WITH or BACKBONE, network of support is developed, rules are simple and clearly stated, consequences are logical and palatable, provides second opportunities, children learn to accept their own feelings and control their own behaviour, love is unconditional because you are, your have dignity and worth.
THREE CONS: CON #1; Begging, Bribing , Weeping, and Gnashing Teeth. With Con 1 we tend to give in and our giving in affects our kid's ego. When we give in, we send a message, 'I don't believe you're big enough to handle the consequences.' Remember we speak with more than words, only 20% of what we communicate to our children is done with words the other 80% is how our body speaks those words. Make sure both your words and body are saying the same thing. If Con #1 doesn't work kids go for a CON # 2, Anger and Aggression. With Con 2 we hook into and it affects our hearts. Aggression begets more aggression, passivity invites aggression. The power of assertion is that it can dissipate or redirect the force of aggression. When we center our own energy and calm ourselves down, we have the opportunity to either redirect our children's energy or grab onto that energy and give life to their learning. CON # 3, Sulking. With Con 1, we give in...with Con 2, we hook in...and Con 3 throws us into a Con 1 or Con 2. Don't ignore mocking. Simply don't empower it. The way to not empower mocking is by immediately empowering something else. Not giving in to pleas or bribes, not hooking into anger and not reinforcing a sulk with offers of assistance allows us, as parents, to have positive power in our children's lives.
DISCIPLINE: Shows kids what they've done wrong. Gives them ownership of the problem. Gives them options to solve their own problems. Leaves their dignity intact.
CHORES: Chores are a great way of saying to kids, 'you are important, responsible members of this family, we need you and are counting on you.' Chores have a beginning and an end, are concrete, help children develop the ability to organize their own resources.
SIX CRITICAL LIFE MESSAGES: I believe in you. I trust you. I know you can handle life's situations. You are listened to. Your are cared for. You are very important to me.
THREE Responses:
TO or BRICKWALL, hierarchy of control, litany of rigid rules, thou shalt nots and don't you dares, use of sarcasm and embarrassment to manipulate and control behaviour, high levels of fear, children learn love is highly conditional.
FOR or JELLYFISH, no recognizable structure or rules, punishment and rewards are arbitrary and inconsistent, many second chances, emotions rule behaviour of parents and children, children learn love is highly conditional.
WITH or BACKBONE, network of support is developed, rules are simple and clearly stated, consequences are logical and palatable, provides second opportunities, children learn to accept their own feelings and control their own behaviour, love is unconditional because you are, your have dignity and worth.
THREE CONS: CON #1; Begging, Bribing , Weeping, and Gnashing Teeth. With Con 1 we tend to give in and our giving in affects our kid's ego. When we give in, we send a message, 'I don't believe you're big enough to handle the consequences.' Remember we speak with more than words, only 20% of what we communicate to our children is done with words the other 80% is how our body speaks those words. Make sure both your words and body are saying the same thing. If Con #1 doesn't work kids go for a CON # 2, Anger and Aggression. With Con 2 we hook into and it affects our hearts. Aggression begets more aggression, passivity invites aggression. The power of assertion is that it can dissipate or redirect the force of aggression. When we center our own energy and calm ourselves down, we have the opportunity to either redirect our children's energy or grab onto that energy and give life to their learning. CON # 3, Sulking. With Con 1, we give in...with Con 2, we hook in...and Con 3 throws us into a Con 1 or Con 2. Don't ignore mocking. Simply don't empower it. The way to not empower mocking is by immediately empowering something else. Not giving in to pleas or bribes, not hooking into anger and not reinforcing a sulk with offers of assistance allows us, as parents, to have positive power in our children's lives.
DISCIPLINE: Shows kids what they've done wrong. Gives them ownership of the problem. Gives them options to solve their own problems. Leaves their dignity intact.
CHORES: Chores are a great way of saying to kids, 'you are important, responsible members of this family, we need you and are counting on you.' Chores have a beginning and an end, are concrete, help children develop the ability to organize their own resources.
SIX CRITICAL LIFE MESSAGES: I believe in you. I trust you. I know you can handle life's situations. You are listened to. Your are cared for. You are very important to me.
